my thoughts
by sweetkelly
Summary: Clare is really concerned about Eli's lack of affections.
1. Chapter 1

Whats up! My beloved readers. This one is a one shot.

** Don't forget to review!**

** Were oke now.**

**Clare.**

**A was sitting on the couch in the living room. Waiting for Eli to get home from his work. Ever sins he got the new job he seemed lass affectionate.**

**I'll try to ignore it. But I just can't help it and its killing me inside to think that Eli doesn't find me attractive anymore. **

**But it's hard for me to push away these feelings that are eating me from inside. I just can't seem to push them a side. **

**What if he had enough of me? Or he just doesn't feel like touching anymore. Or he fell out of love with me and found someone ells to share the rest of his live with. And then leave me all by myself in the dust. What if he…**

**What if he wanted to get a divorce? Because we were indeed to different, like I told him a long time ago.**

**What if I'm just being paranoid?**

**Tears started to collect in the corner of my eyes. They fell. Rolling slowly over my cheeks. I whipped them away as soon as I heard the front door close.**

**Great. Just when I wanted to be alone to cry to myself I get interrupted.**

**''Clare, I'm home'' I heard him scream.**

**I opened my mouth to answer. But my throat was too dry from all the crying and my lips were trembling. A little tear escaped from my eye.**

**I quickly whipped it away before Eli walked in.**

**He walked over to me and sat next to me on the couch. I looked away from him. Finding my hands really interesting. I felt his gaze on me.**

**Fighting the urge to look up.**

**''you cried'' Eli asked gently. Dam it. I looked up slowly surprised that he noticed without taking a second look at me.**

**That's what I loved the most about him. He knows me and gets me better then. Me.**

**Our eyes met and I was lost. Lost in an intense trance. His green orbs that pulled me further and further in until all I saw were emotions. Strong ones. All it took was one stare in his Georges green eyes. And I was lost.**

** I shook my head to get out of the intense trance. And looked back at my hands. He scooted closer to me on the couch. **

**''Clare?'' he asked concerned. Hurt on his face. He cared?**

**''I'm fine'' I told him softly. And whipped the tears away with the back of my hands.**

**''no. no you're not. Tell me what's wrong babe?'' he pleaded with me and took my hand in his. **

**''you don't waned me anymore'' I told him with hurt. **


	2. review

should i continue? i thought of it more like a one shot. i do have a AWESOME idee review and i'll continue.

and about my spelling mistakes, i'm really sorry if it cracks my story. but i'm not englisch and being dyslexic isn't really helping.


	3. Chapter 2

Hey hey! **SWEETKELLY** in the house! I think I'll continue with this story. I just wrote something and apparently when you're not trying and not thinking about it people will like it. **R&R **

**My thoughts**

Chapter 2

The minute these words left my mouth, tears stared to flow over my cheeks. I felt empty inside. I felt alone.

I felt like no one could see or hear me. No Matter how hard I screamed or cried. There was no one there to hear me or comfort me. There was no one I could count on.

No one that could help me out of my world. A world made by my worst fears and insecurities.

My own miserable world.

And, you know what hurts the most. That the one person I counted the most on, the one person I loved the most. The person I thought would always be there for me, no matter what. The person I would go through fair for. Heck I would go to hell for him. Everything what it takes to make him happy. That one person.

Made me feel this way.

It's a hard feeling to disclaim. It's like a knife through the back from a best friend whom you called a brother or a sister. The metal goes through your skin. Blood is flooding out of you. You see your life pass in a flash like a movie. But that's not even the worse part.

The worst part is that the person you counted on. Made you feel this way.

Eli scooted closer to me and took both my hands in his. ''Clare, that's the most ridicules thing I've ever heard'' he told me softly and kissed my hands. His lips felt warm on my cold skin. I looked at him with red puffy eyes.

''are you cold?'' he asked me. I could see that he wanted to know what made me feel this way and wanted to ask questions. Bus saw that I could not bear to answer them.

I nodded. Feeling like a little child that had a bad day at school and needed comfort from her parents.

He kissed my forehead and stood up. He came back with a blanket, I lie down on the couch and close my eyes.

Eli kneels down next to me and takes my hand and rests them on my stomach. I open my eyes to look at him. He was staring at me intense.

''Clare?''

''I have to tell you something''


	4. Chapter 3

Maha here is the next chapter you have threatened me to write. And I love all the comments I got until now. Please continue doing that. (Wink)

Chapter 3.

Clare's eyes widened. Her blood was streaming through her veins. Her heart was beating like a maniac. She was sure that Eli could hear it. Everything around her was gone. And blur.

She looked up at Eli and their eyes met once again.

This was it she thought. The moment she was waiting for. The moment she feared more than anything.

She wiped the tears from her face with her free hand.

''what is it" she asked with a small voice. Eli gently pulled her up and pulled the blankets away.

He stood up now and held a hand out for Clare. She first hesitated but then took his hand and got up from the couch. He led her to their bedroom and walked to the full length mirror.

Eli stood behind Clare with his arms wrapped around her.

Clare calmed down a bit feeling safe in his arms. She didn't want to lose him. But she was scared about what he was going to tell her.

Would she be able to forgive him if he cheated? What would happen next if she didn't? And…She didn't know what to think anymore. She didn't even know if she wanted to hear what he had to say

What if is she can't handle the truth? Or she would lose it. She didn't want to cry in front of him again. She took a deep breath. And trait to calm down. And focus on what he was going to say. And not what she thinks he is going to say.

Tell me what you think. And I know the standing in front of a mirror thing seemed odd but you will understand in the next chapter. Oi oi . Don't forget to review** xxxxxsweetkellyxxx**


	5. Chapter 4

Oke day! fellas. yesterday was an awesome I just graduated and it was really fun. (BIG BIG SMILE)

And got a lot of good reviews so here is an extra-long chapter.

Ps don't worry I am a big time Eclare fan. **Don't forget to review** (wink)

Chapter 4.

Clare bit her lower lip and looked down ready to hear what Eli had to say. She just had to listen and see what would happen next. She can handle this she though as long as I calm down and listen.

She nodded at her plan.

She looked up at looking at Eli through the mirror. Only to be greeted by him smirking at her. She didn't understand how he could be smirking that stupid, adorable smirk of his in a situation like this.

She rolled her eyes at him thinking how typical this was.

long-ago when she was sad or feeling like shit he always cheered her up no matter what he had to do, he did it. And now when she was frightened to death afraid her marriage failed because they were indeed Young and foolish to think they would last. Lost in their own world to care what the others were thinking. To in love to listen, or think straight. But back then they both didn't care. Al they ever wanted was to be together for a live time.

But now? She didn't know if he still felt the same way. She knows that she does. What only makes it worse.

She shook her head at him ''you think this is funny, that me being sad and insecure is a joke'' I asked him getting angry now. I tried to get out of his hold on me. But he didn't let go of me.

''of course not, I just don't get why you would ever think that I don't want you anymore. Why do you think that? Cause it's beyond ridiculous'' he told me softly and looked into my eyes from the mirror.

He looked and sounded hurt.

''because, …. I'm not '' I told him with tears in my eyes and looked down again. It was hard for me to tell him that what if he told me I was raid.

''what? Clare, you know that's not true. You've got everything a girl want. You're everything that I want plus more. You're beautiful and Gorgeous'' he kissed me down my neck. And I swear I was turning into a tomato. Not only because of his words also his touch made me warm and giggly.

''I love you're laugh'' he told me and kissed my cheek. "You're adorable when you blush, you're always adorable and cute that's way I can never stay mad at you'' he tightened his grip on me.

''I love everything thing about you. How you play with your hands when you're nervous, you always look adorable when you do that'' he puts his head on my shoulders and grinned at me. ''I'm crazy about you Clare. So to think that I don't want you anymore. Makes you crazy''

He kissed my cheek one more time.

I had a big smile on my face and tears from happiness. I turned around with his arms still around me and hugged him. I was glad he hugged me back. What made me mad is that he wasn't mad at me. I mean I was furious at myself

''I'm so sorry'' I told him with all honestly. I really was sorry. For being a stupid bitch.

''shhhh its ok babe'' he whispered softly. And hold me tighter.

He walked us slowly to our bed and laid us down.

'' how can you not be mad at me. Or, or scream at me'' I asked him still confused as to why he isn't mad at me. I know I am.

He chuckled and rolled us over so he was on top of me. He stared in my eyes lovingly and stroke my cheek with his finger. ''you watch's way too much movies, blue eyes'' I felt my cheeks burning and smiled at him.

I bit my lower lip. As I grew nervous of what I was about to say. Well actually confess.

''Eli'' I asked slowly

''yes my love'' he answered and kissed my nose.

''I tough that you cheated on me''


	6. Chapter 5

**SWEETKELLY **

Hey, hey I know it's been a while but I was on an awesome vacation!

So yeah, didn't had time to write. boeeh!

**And don't forget to review!**

Disclaimer (I always see this at stories, but it's kind of obvious that we don't own Degrassi.

My thoughts.

Chapter 5.

Clare's pov.

I can't believe I actually just confess that to him, what is wrong with me. You can't tell someone that you though that he or even she cheated on you. You just can't. And I had to find it out the hard way.

Eli and I were now avoiding another. I know right childish much?

Anyway. He is kind of mad or upset with me for thinking those things, I mean what do you want me to do, I can't just remove them. I wish I could tho.

I hate, and I mean hate arguing with Eli. It always makes me feel uneasy. And I get this piercing feeling inside. That is really unpleasant.

We're watching TV in a deathly silent. Both on the other side of the couth, which I don't understand.

I mean sure we had a fight before but we never ignored each other before. I think I should apologize so that we could make up. You know what they say right?

Well? I don't.

Anyway. I was deep in thought, thinking about a way to get Eli to forgive me. I mean what can I say? Sorry I thought that you cheated on me. Are we cool now?

He would probably make me go on my knees. I rolled my eyes at the though. Typical him.

Eli looked at me and opened his mouth to say something but closeted it again. And shook his head. And looked away again. I bit my lower lip desperate for any kind of communication.

I wanted to apologies, I wanted everything to be oke and normal. I just didn't know how to make that happen or what to say. I mean what do you say in a situation like this? It's not like I learn that in school.

I turn to look at him to see that he was deep in thoughts. Better now than never right?

"Eli?" I started carefully.

He pressed his lips together and answered with a simple "yes''

" I .


	7. Chapter 6

Hey there my read-freaks :p . I love all the comments I'm getting, _please don't stop_.

I wrote another chapter. I can't sleep.

**Xx sweetkelly xx**

_**Don't forget to review.**_

** My thoughts.**

Chapter 6.

Clare's pov.

''Eli I …"

He was still staring at me blankly, but I could see the hurt in his eyes. The minute I stared I saw his watery eyes. My hard dropped. I felt completely empty.

And the stupidest of all was that I didn't know what to say to him.

I wanted to say so much, about how sorry I was and stupid for thinking those things.

I wanted to say it so badly.

I wanted to talk to him to him to kiss and hug him. Us to smile and be happy again.

Like old days.

But most importantly, I wanted him to forgive me. For my stupid mouth.

I know I sound stupid, and that I should just tell him all those things instead of thinking them.

I just didn't know how to say it, without sounding to stupid or even saying something stupid again.

I was playing with my shirt and looked up to him. He was still looking at me blankly.

''I am really sorry for thinking those things'' I told him desperately.

He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. He shook his head and looked away. Tears where flowing down my cheeks now. He got up and walked out of the living room. I stared at him till he was out of the room.

I let out a shaky breath. What if he hates me, who am I kidding even I hate me. Gosh I hate this feeling. All I want to do right now was cry.

My phone was ringing next to me. I looked at the caller ID and saw it was Alli. I bit my lip. I was not in the mood to talk to anyone right now. I could barely talk now my throat felt dry from all the crying and it hurts like hell. Forgive me god.

I felt so itchy so empty. I just couldn't breathe I hate to get out of this house. But walking out would only make it worse. So I just kept laying on the couch with music in my ears. It always helps listening to music when I feel like shit.

And right now I feel pretty damn shitty.

xx sweetkelly .. please review and tell me what you think about my story xxx


	8. Chapter 7

**Hey everybody, I know it's been a while but I have been doing a lot lately and I am sorry I didn't write anything but I am working on it. **

**And don't forget to**** review.**** I really want to make the story better.**

**My thoughts.**

**Chapter 7.**

**Clare.**

**I woke up witch a bad headache, probably from all the crying last night. I slowly opened my eyes and took in my surrounding and saw that I was in the living room. I probably past out on the couch.**

**I sat up and looked around. Eli was probably still sleeping I signed deeply en stood up, to make some breakfast I was starving. I could not help but wonder if Eli was maybe awake. I walked to our bedroom and slowly opened the door without making any sound and peeked in. I slowly walked over to him and sat beside him on the bed. Eli slowly opened his eyes by the sudden movement and I bit my lower lip.**

**''I'm sorry did I wake you up?'' I asked him **

**He smiled up to me ''its ok ' he told me while trying to stop a yawn. He looked so cute when he did that. '' you know, you didn't have to sleep on the couch last knight'' he said while looking at me.**

**I was looking at my hand while playing with the cords of my pants. ''I just though you didn't want to see me at the moment'' I told him. And I did think that he didn't want to see me. To be honest I don't know if I wanted to see him. I mean the mad and sad him.**

**He sad up and scooted closer to me. He sighed deeply and took my hand in his. '' I hate fighting with you'' he told me and kissed the back of my hand. I relaxed at the touch and slimed at him.**

** ''me to'' I told him truthfully. ''and I really am sorry'' I quickly added.**

**He let go of my hand and lay back down. He smiled at me and opened his arms. "Lay down with me?'' he asked me sweetly. I smiled wildly and nodded yes, I rusted my head on his chest and cuddled up to him. I felt immediately warmer and happier.**

**He kissed my forehead and hold me tighter. ''I love you so much Clare'' he whispered against my hair. '' I love you to'' I told him with teary eyes. **

**My stomach was killing me at the moment. I lifted myself up and looked at him. ''I'm starving do you want some breakfast to'' I asked him. He smiled and reached up to kiss me.**

**''let me handle that'' he told me and kissed me again. He rolled us over so he was on top of me. He stroke my cheek and kissed me again. He smiled "I'm sorry, I just can't stop kissing you'' he told me before leaning in for another kiss. **

**I laughed and him and pushed him off me. ''Eli'' I whined ''I'm starving'' I told him trying to sit up. ''fine, fine I'm going, there is no need to get aggressive'' he told me. I rolled my eyes at him and stuck out my tongue to him. De stood up and quickly kissed me before he left end heeded for the kitchen.**

**AND DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW PEOPLE **


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